I really, really appreciate it. Sometimes just hearing "I'm sorry" is validating.
I'm definitely going to try. I really want to make a concerted effort... which is really why I published this at all. Just. Trying to actually get words down. Share thoughts. Say something, for a change. Even though the screaming voice in my head says not to, that at best no one cares and at worst it'll do harm.
On the one hand, I'm really lucky to have a good group of people I care about and trust who really Get Things. On the other, we're all abuse survivors unlearning Really Bad Habits, and sometimes some of those habits clash really badly. I think that's part of what's made this so, so hard these last few years: I have my small group / one person, but I was unintentionally really hurt in this area. Everyone involved meant well, but that kinda makes it worse in some ways? It means I'm not mad, but I also have a visceral fear reaction with the people I love and trust most when it comes to my creative things. Which is scary and sad. We're actively working through it and communicating well now, and things have improved immensely over the last six months... but it still impacts me and hurts right now, regardless.
I'm sorry to Wall of Text you in reply. It's just a messy emotional situation that it just kind of boiling over right now. Thank you very much for "listening." It actually does help just to get it out.
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Date: 2019-01-02 03:16 am (UTC)I'm definitely going to try. I really want to make a concerted effort... which is really why I published this at all. Just. Trying to actually get words down. Share thoughts. Say something, for a change. Even though the screaming voice in my head says not to, that at best no one cares and at worst it'll do harm.
On the one hand, I'm really lucky to have a good group of people I care about and trust who really Get Things. On the other, we're all abuse survivors unlearning Really Bad Habits, and sometimes some of those habits clash really badly. I think that's part of what's made this so, so hard these last few years: I have my small group / one person, but I was unintentionally really hurt in this area. Everyone involved meant well, but that kinda makes it worse in some ways? It means I'm not mad, but I also have a visceral fear reaction with the people I love and trust most when it comes to my creative things. Which is scary and sad. We're actively working through it and communicating well now, and things have improved immensely over the last six months... but it still impacts me and hurts right now, regardless.
I'm sorry to Wall of Text you in reply. It's just a messy emotional situation that it just kind of boiling over right now. Thank you very much for "listening." It actually does help just to get it out.